"Is This Normal?" Common Grief Experiences

"Widow Brain" or "Grief Fog"

Common experiences:

• Forgetting why you walked into a room
• Missing appointments or deadlines
• Difficulty making simple decisions
• Reading the same page multiple times without comprehension
• Losing track of time or dates
• Putting things in strange places (keys in the freezer, phone in the pantry)

Why it happens: Your brain is using most of its energy to process grief. There's less capacity for normal cognitive functions.

How long it lasts: Typically peaks in the first 3-6 months, but can persist for a year or more.

What helps:

• Write everything down - use lists, calendars, and phone reminders
• Simplify your life temporarily - say no to non-essential commitments
• Be gentle with yourself - this is not permanent
• Ask for help with complex tasks
• Avoid making major decisions if possible

Physical Symptoms of Grief

Common physical symptoms (all normal):

• Fatigue: Extreme exhaustion, even after sleeping
• Insomnia: Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Changes in appetite: No appetite or eating too much
• Chest tightness: Feeling like your heart is physically aching
• Headaches: Tension headaches or migraines
• Digestive issues: Nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea, or constipation
• Weakened immune system: Getting sick more easily
• Muscle aches: Body feels heavy or achy

Important: While these symptoms are normal in grief, don't ignore severe or persistent physical symptoms. See a doctor if:

• Chest pain is severe or concerning
• You can't sleep for more than a few days
• You lose or gain significant weight rapidly
• Physical symptoms interfere with basic functioning

Unexpected Emotions

Anger

You might be angry at:

• Your spouse for leaving you
• Doctors or medical system
• People with insensitive comments
• Couples who are still together
• God or the unfairness of life
• Yourself (for things said or unsaid)

This is not wrong or bad. Anger is a natural part of grief. Allow yourself to feel it without judgment.

Guilt

Common guilt feelings:

• "I should have done more"
• "I should have noticed symptoms earlier"
• "I'm having a good day - how can I be happy?"
• "I'm starting to feel normal - am I forgetting them?"
• "I said things I didn't mean" or "I never said things I meant"

Remember: You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Guilt is common, but it's often not based in reality.

Relief

Relief can also come from:

• No more medical appointments or caregiving stress
• Not having to watch them suffer
• Not having to make difficult medical decisions
• Freedom from a difficult relationship (if applicable)

Feeling relief doesn't mean you didn't love them. It means you're human.

Numbness

Feeling nothing at all? That's normal too. Numbness is your brain's way of protecting you from overwhelming emotions.

You might:

• Feel like you're going through the motions
• Not cry when you think you "should"
• Feel disconnected from reality
• Have periods where it doesn't feel real

This will pass. Emotions will return when you're ready.

Social Changes

"I Don't Fit Anywhere Anymore"

This feeling is incredibly common.

You might notice:

• Couple friends stop inviting you
• You feel like a "third wheel"
• Single friends don't understand what you're going through
• People avoid you or don't know what to say
• Family dynamics have shifted

Your identity has changed. You went from "we" to "I" overnight. It takes time to figure out who you are now.

Isolation

Many widows withdraw socially. You might:

• Cancel plans at the last minute
• Stop answering calls or texts
• Avoid places you went together
• Stay home instead of going out

Some isolation is normal in early grief. But if you've been isolated for months, consider reaching out to one person or joining a support group.

Triggers and Grief Bursts

Grief doesn't follow a schedule. You might be doing fine one moment and then hit with overwhelming sadness.

Common triggers:

• Holidays and anniversaries
• Songs, smells, or places
• Seeing couples
• Firsts (first birthday without them, first vacation alone)
• Finding their belongings
• Someone using their name
• Completely random moments with no obvious trigger

What to do when a grief burst hits:

• Allow yourself to feel it
• Find a safe place if you need to cry
• Call a supportive friend
• Remember that it will pass - grief bursts are temporary
• Be gentle with yourself afterward

There's No Timeline

The "5 stages of grief" is a myth:

• Grief doesn't move in linear stages
• You might skip stages, repeat them, or experience multiple at once
• There's no "final stage" where you're "done"
• Grief doesn't end - it changes shape

Everyone's timeline is different. It depends on:

• Length of your relationship
• Circumstances of death (sudden vs. expected)
• Your support system
• Your previous experiences with loss
• Financial/practical stressors
• Your coping mechanisms

When to Seek Professional Help

While all of the above is normal, consider seeing a grief therapist if:

• You're thinking about harming yourself
• You can't get out of bed for weeks
• You're using alcohol or drugs to cope
• You can't eat or sleep for extended periods
• Your grief is interfering with basic functioning (job, relationships, self-care)
• You feel "stuck" and unable to move forward
• It's been 6+ months and you feel no improvement

You're Not Alone

The most important thing to know: what you're feeling is normal.

Over 3.8 million widows and widowers in the U.S. have experienced what you're going through. You're not "going crazy." You're not "broken." You're grieving, and grief is a normal response to loss.

Give yourself permission to:

• Grieve in your own way and time
• Have good days and bad days
• Feel whatever you feel without judgment
• Ask for help when you need it
• Take care of yourself